I wasn't born yesterday; I was born tomorrow. I know it all. I am privy to everything. I have a tattoo of a semicolon just to spite Kurt Vonnegut.

Millennial Soliloquy

Happiness hinges

Terracotta patella

Orange is the warmest (colour)


The Annex



won’t tell you about my complex



alls good

smile like you always should 



don’t appropriate 

no negotiating with fate



done alone

made a house not a home 



clue me in

gotta change from within


without the power

to see oneself 

some may never experience true wealth

Let's All Go to the Movies

The other day I went to see a movie in an actual movie theater. I should not even have to qualify that statement with "actual" because yes, movie theaters are a place LOTS of people still frequent all the time; I am going to assume that you can infer what I meant before I chose to qualify it unnecessarily. Those who always find themselves moseying on over to the ole theatre are what I consider elite because we pay upwards $15 a pop to watch Jeremy Renner convince us he's a real tough guy. Anyways, the story here starts with me going to the movies like any old bloke, all right? Enough contradictory over-inflated philosophy & lexicon. 


Listen to this, right off the bat; I did not even get carded to watch an R-Rated feature. The bumbling, apathetic booth attendant did me a real solid because the time it would have taken me to fish out my California and/or New York ID is about the same amount of time it would take me to go to the market next door for some theatre contraband. I cannot even remember a time ever when anyone in the army of bumbling, apathetic theatre employees ever checked mine (or anyone's) IDs in addition to their bags for outside snacks. Funny, because at this rate there must be more movie theatre shootings than Snickers and Shasta hoarding pre-teens...that is a discussion for another time. Anyhow, men, women, and night-crawlers alike schlep their free New Yorker totes filled with anything from popcorn and candy to full-blown lobster dinners because we may be elite enough to buy an inflated movie ticket but Jesus, we aren't the 1%. I am not in the business of buying $45 hot dogs, and there is no way in hell Regal Cinemas would ever abide by the Poor Relief Act of 1601. 


So yeah, now that I discovered I had some extra time, I went next door to Westside Market, which is now on the East Side as well. Who knows what that's all about??? Immediately, I was doused in sensory overload. I felt as if Mensa had stocked the store as some societal/consumer experiment. Sushi and Deli Meats were prepared behind the same counter, chips were hanging and cascading from the rafters, and there was cheese everywhere I turned. It was as if I was riding the Tube, and every single person was wearing Burberry Khaki Trench Coats- a glitch in the Matrix. Amongst the chaos, I dodged eye contact with my fellow vigilantes; We searched for the best snacks - crunchy but not too loud, sweet but not sickening, and cheap (at least less expensive than our original offerings). At this rate, I was already missing Jason Bateman trailer #1. God knows: I DID NOT WANT TO MISS ANY MORE JASON BATEMAN TRAILERS. I needed to make a swift decision. That was when it happened; I found through the Bristol rubble and noise my Prairie Home Companion: The most fucking British chips that have ever existed. 


I did not even taste these chips to know; I just knew how fucking British these chips were going to be. I did not yet have an affinity for British paraphernalia, but I knew it would be an utter mistake if I did not partake in the most fucking British thing there ever was. I'm not talking British stuff we all know like Scotch Eggs, Earl Grey tea, the abuse of "Keep Calm and Carry On," this was spiritual.


If the essence of Great Britain could be captured, if you could imagine how Great Britain tastes and feels, it was these chips, and I am the only one who knows this. I did not want anyone else to catch wind of my discovery, so I coyly grabbed a bag of $27 beef jerky and Luftwaffe-free German Raspberries - just your average grocery store purchase. Nobody asserted suspicion. I was about to miss a Kevin Hart trailer, so I head out without taking my change.